A DISCLAIMER: This bit on the VP debate was written before the actual debate took place and therefore has no relation to what actually happened on Thursday night and is not an interpretation of the real debate - it is satire, nothing more.
The first Presidential debate in Mississippi was disappointing to the McCain campaign. John could have been better, but still bested Obama. Honestly, the margin wasn’t great but the MSM reported the results as an Obama win. All of the networks reported that Obama came across as more “presidential” than John and quoted their polls that agreed. The staff was also unhappy with the MSM poll results as they were slanted to show that Obama won as well. It looked like if Obama was still standing at the end of a debate, he would be declared the winner. It would take a “knockout” for John to win a debate.
The VP debate was heldon Thursday, October 2 at Washington University in St. Louis.
The showdown between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin put Gwen Ifill before the biggest TV audience of her life. Ifill, moderator of PBS' "Washington Week" and senior correspondent on "The NewsHour," is repeating her role from the 2004 debate between Dick Cheney and John Edwards. Ifill was a rabid Obama supporter, but would have to remain neutral in this environment.
The debate was divided into 8 ten-minute issue segments; Ifill introduced each segment with an issue on which each candidate commented. Time was reserved for closing statements by each of the candidates in each debate.
Gwen Ifill took center stage and introduced herself, then called for the candidates to join her. Biden met Sarah at mid-stage and greeted her warmly. Taking her hand in both of his and smiling broadly, he acted like he was greeting a long lost love. He was doing his best to be charming – to put her at ease (so she’d let her guard down).
Fat chance. Sarah (wearing her dork glasses) could see past the façade and into Joe’s innermost self and she found the same Joe she’d seen at the Market, but now with more facts and figures stuffed into his pea-sized brain. In a flash, she knew everything he knew. She almost (almost) felt sorry for him. He was like a lamb being led to slaughter and blissfully, almost happily, unaware of what was in store.
She’d have to be careful not to be too overwhelming; else some would think that there was skullduggery afoot.
They were standing behind lecterns, according to the rules negotiated by the campaigns. Appropriately, Biden was on the left, Sarah on the right.
After the applause died down, Gwen explained the format, the topics, and how the candidates would respond to questions. She started in.
“The first topic is the economy.”
“First question … the media is filled with troubling news about Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, what is your take on why they failed?” “We’ll go first to Senator Biden … Senator …”
“Gwen I sat in the cornbread and dreamed of fannie mae and kung pao and freddie mac slipped a rubber tree into his levis ‘cause my feet were on right and chili did the soup dog blah blah muddy son of a stoop with yogurt melting between her pinky toes in the winter nudge nudge and I belched a chihuahua and tinkled all over the chessboard next on the hickey farm was biomass flank steaks but without lipstick so she raised the dill pickle and knocked up a dust bunny so I cant get no satisfaction do wop do wop.”
“Thank you, Senator, now for Governor Palin.” Gwen shook her head and hoped Senator Biden made more sense to others than he did to her – one hundred one words and nothing but pure gibberish.
Sarah began, “Fannie and Freddie were both the victims of mistakes by the democrats. President Bush and the Republicans tried to pass regulatory overhaul in 2003 and John McCain warned of problems in 2006.”
“The plan was an acknowledgment that oversight of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac was broken. A report by outside investigators in July had concluded that Freddie Mac manipulated its accounting to mislead investors, and Fannie Mae did not adequately hedge against rising interest rates. But the plan was opposed by democrats and failed to pass – that was the democrat’s first mistake.”
“The second was when democrats pressured the two agencies to loosen restrictions on loans to disadvantaged borrowers in order to increase home ownership by the poor. Normal credit requirements by mortgage lenders were relaxed which allowed un-credit-worthy borrowers to buy houses. These two political positions taken by democrats going all the way back to the Clinton administration were at the root of the agencies’ collapse.”
“Thank you, Governor.”
“Now, let’s talk about healthcare, the first question goes to Governor Palin.” “Governor, how would you approach the problem of 40 million people in the U.S. without any healthcare”?
Sarah began, “Health-care costs in this country have risen from 5% of national productivity 50 years ago to 16% now, and it's just going to get worse as baby boomers hit retirement age over the next few years. Employers are increasingly unwilling to eat the bill. General Motors says that it already has about $1,400 in medical costs priced into every vehicle. And most families can't do it on their own.
We need to create more choice. Medicare now covers about 40 million seniors, gets high marks for customer satisfaction and whips the private sector on efficiency. Allow individuals to choose either a private insurer or Medicare in a competitive marketplace. And require employers to either provide benefits through a company-negotiated private health plan or, in lieu of that, pay a 6% tax on payroll.
Small companies will balk at that 6% payroll tax. But Hacker says employers or individuals already spend at least that much, often for inadequate care, in the present system.”
“Time’s up, Governor,” Gwen interrupted. She turned to Senator Biden, “it’s your turn Senator.”
“Thank you Gwen, as you know, I rested my brisket on a wrinkled foot smelling of lard and onions so we know who swinged up a tiny polecat yada yada and who saw wadded tube socks in the dark crevice she had me in a lace teddy and a hey nonnie nonnie whipped a herd of earthworms and swung a sour pineapple but brought one-kneed fannie to her sore buns and rode a fat lizard right in the face of two dudlies and we buttered yokes out back freely and put two dingbats and dinged two putbacks yada yada while freddie lifted up fo-monks and said behold a pale otter blah blah right out of constipation and into our hearts while the nurses stacked pea soup so him rained down like beans and the righteous peed a mighty stream.”
“And … … your time is up, Senator.” Shaking her head – again, “what did he say,” she thought?
The rest of the “debate” went along in a similar fashion – Sarah answering succinctly and logically, Biden might as well have been speaking “in tongues.” He just droned on and on saying nothing of substance – indeed, nothing that even made sense.
They parted amiably, the McCain group elated over the Palin massacre and the complete meltdown by Senator Biden. She mopped up the stage with him. Gwen Ifill even apologized to Sarah, saying she didn’t think that he was well and he may have had an aneurism episode resulting in the seemingly unrelated words he strung together.
Imagine their surprise when the New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post and NBC, ABC, and CBS TV networks extolled the great win by Senator Biden. They went on and on about how inept Sarah’s answers were and how much more nuanced and carefully thought-out Senator Biden’s responses were. What debate were they watching?
The polls conducted by those same entities showed similar results: Biden was thought to be the winner by fifty-four percent, thirty-one percent thought Palin won and fifteen percent thought pepperoni and mushrooms had won.